Thursday, January 21, 2010

If I could blink my eyes and make it better

     This has been one of the hardest days of my life, I have the most wonderful mother on this planet, I could not ask for more, there's not one thing I can think of that I would change about my mom, or add to her!
     She had breast cancer about 2 years ago, she beat it, she has the most amazing faith I have ever seen out of anyone, she had a huge brain tumor before, she was prayed for, and she believed that she was healed, she went back to the doctors that she had been seeing that had done mulitple cat scans, they had all the proof in the world that she most definatly had a big brain tumor. She just knew that she knew she was healed, but she decided she was going to go back for confirmation. To say that the doctors in Lexington,Ky thought that the brain tumor had definatly gotten to her, was putting it mildly, upon my mom informing one of the doctors that she had been healed and that she knew the brain tumor was gone, he was pretty calm about it all, he said ok lady what ever you say. Well they done another scan, and it was gone, they could barely believe their eyes, they done another, they compared the old ones with the very visible tumor, then they looked at the new one beside of it, totally tumor free!
     then as I mentioned before a couple of years ago, she got breast cancer, and again I never saw her panic, it was at a time when my mind was everywhere, I had some major problems going on in my life. I was not there for her like I should have been, but she faced it like she faces everything, head on in constant prayer, believing that God's will be done, He's in control and she just puts it all in his hands!
     I hope she knows the impact she has had on my life, seeing her never ever lose her faith in her precious Lord, always believing that He will work it out, that the most important thing in this world is His will being done, and IT IS!!
      A few weeks ago she had to get a PET scan, the doctor told her that day that if anything showed up he would call by that friday, this was on a tuesday. He didn't call by that friday, he didn't call by the next friday, we took that as a good sign, mom said no news is good news. She went to her regular doctor she asked mom if she had heard from him, mom told her she had not, she said well didn't you call? Mom said no I didn't want to, if something had been wrong he would have called me. That was not good enough for her doctor, she said she would try to get ahold of them and find out how the scan went. That's when we find out that doctor had went out of town and hadn't even read the scan yet! I think that is so wrong, he told my mom that if anything showed up he would call her by that friday, and then he takes off, goes out of town without even looking at her scan. I think thats so frigging unprofessional! So he obviously gets back and reads it, they call today, there was some things that showed up in the bones on her back, alot of stuff. They have not said for certain that its cancer, but mom thinks thats what the doctor thinks it is, they want her to go to Kingsport to find out for sure, and then start radiation, if it is cancer. I hate this mom has been having so much pain in her back, so  now we know the reason, I just pray it doesn't come back cancer!
     She is going about it the same as every possible fatal thing that has ever happened to her, believing that God will work it out, its amazing how she just always looks to Him for the answer, its the kind of faith we are all suppose to have that believe in Jesus, that know He died on the cross for our sins. I am one of those people that totally believe's that and I have learned how to believe and have faith from my mom.
      This is so hard for me, I have never really lost anyone that's close to me, except when I was young my father died, but I was at the age where I just don't really remember him. My mom is all I have ever had, I love her so much, before I had children, I use to say I want to die before my mom, I can't imagine living without her ever!! I have not said it since I have had two little girls, the doctor that told me I would never have children was extremely wrong, I got pregnant with my first one at 34 and the second at 38.
     My mom wants me to live as long as possible now, she knows these girls would be in a mess without me, we've dicussed the options, its not good! They would be split up,one raised here and the other raised there, so for my mom who worries about my girls as her own, I am trying to get healthy and change my entire living habits, so that I can stay with them as long as possible and to relieve some stress off of mom. I don't want her to have to worry about anything right now, as she told me what the doctor said on the phone, she just keep saying we just have to turn it over to God, and it will be ok, just pray and believe that He will work this out for His glory.
     I just want them to say its not cancer! I want them to say its something we can take care of with medicine or surgery, even though I don't want her to have to go through another surgery, she has had a few in her lifetime, but anything is better than cancer, where you never hear a doctor say we can take care of this, we can fix it, everythings going to be fine.
     The only choice I have at this  time is to put to use what she has taught me for years, believe, trust, look to God with blind faith, know that He will do what is best, even if we don't understand it right then, He does everything for a reason, and all of His reasons are good reasons. I have to show my daughters what my mom has shown me all of my life, when people told her to give up on me, to just shut the door on her daughter and get her completely out of her life, my mom didn't do that, she prayed and believed God that He had total control of the situation, He was going to bring all of her children back into right standing with Him. I never saw her waver, I never had her give up on me, she never turned me away, now I will never turn my away, for no reason, never will this mommy say ok that's it, I have had it with you, I want you out of my life, and then brag to others that I am just showing tough love. I will be there for them always, no matter how many mistakes they may make, I will be there with my arms open to hug them when they need it, to straighten their lifes out when they see that its time. I will totally believe God in every area of my life, trust him with my daughters and my life from this moment on.
     Right now I totally trust Him to work this situation out, to heal her, to love her, to take her pain. I will trust him no matter the outcome, I will believe that He has a reason for everything, even if I don't understand it at the moment, I know that His reason's are always good reason's. I know that if He does decide to take her home that I will miss her and never ever will my life be the same, but I also know to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. She has lived her life in front of us all, never being ashamed of Him, never being ashamed of being a Christian. She has showed me unconditional love my whole life,now I will show my children unconditional love, she has shown me how to serve the Lord with all of my heart and soul.

     I will one day be in heaven, one day I will never have to worry about losing someone I love again. I will be with my loved ones, in a place where there is no sorrow, no death, no tears. Until then I will grow daily in the knowledge and wisdom of the Lord knowing I got the strongest foundation I could have possibly gotten from a woman who loved Jesus with all of her heart and showed me how to live in her foot steps!
     I love you so much mom, I don't want to even imagine my life without you, you have been the best mom ever, I couldn't have asked for anything more, a job well done, and someday though I hope its a day way off from now, I know you will hear, enter in thou good and faithful servant!
      Thats our hope, this life here is so short, its gone in a fleeting moment, our hope is that we touch those around us and that they see Jesus and not us, that well help one that is in pain, that we feed one that is hungry, that we clothe one that is without clothes, that we lead them all to know the awesomeness of Jesus.
 For we are not of this place, we are visitors here on this earth, our home our true home is with Jesus for eternity. There is no time there just sheer love and happiness, we know that the most important thing here is not the treasures we lay up here, but the treasures we lay up in heaven. Our goal is to please our heavenly Father!

No comments:

Post a Comment